I would be so much more successful and confident in conversations if I were able to press pause, think, compose a draft and practice my response. I always feel on the back foot when I’m talking to people. Conversations feel so fast and I always feel like I come across like an idiot.
Am I the only one that would like to to write, edit, re-edit and read a well thought out and constructed response so I had the chance of coming across like a normal human being? At least some of the time anyway.
That’s not to say I can’t be spontaneous, some of my best comments and responses have been off the cuff genius (if I do say so myself) but a little extra time would be great.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say I have social anxiety but I get nervous a lot. I worry if people are understanding me. If when I felt like I stumbled over my words and in my head heard a jumble of sounds, if the person I was speaking to could make sense of it all. And most people say I come across as confident or sounding like I know what I’m talking about but that’s definitely not how it feels.
On the surface, I’ve got my sh*t together. Underneath, there is so much anxiety, insecurity, second guessing, self deprecation, self loathing, feelings of unworthiness…ugh, there is a lot happening.
In fact, if I had my way, all interactions would be conducted by text or email. I loved when texting became a thing. And then almost cried when Face Timing became a thing. I’ve literally only just started to video call my husband in the last few years and even then, I would much rather not! And he’s one of the only people I can be open and me with so that shows how uncomfortable it makes me feel.
I know with written words, especially short form like a text or a tweet, your words and their meaning are more easily misconstrued because you lose tone but even still…give me a world where I don’t actually have to talk to anyone!
Now, I’m not being completely serious (or am I?) but I do lack confidence and wish there was a more practical solution than “you need to find your confidence within.” Well that well is almost empty, folks.
There is definitely a level of confidence that comes with age but it depends on the person for which way that goes. Some people are supremely confident as kids and get knocked down by the realities of life. Some people are shy as kids and as they grow they realise the world isn’t as scary as they thought.
I think I’m more of the latter but it is such a slow process to get to the place I would like to be. I want to have Beyoncé level confidence now!
Anyway, this post is just a really long winded way to explain why when you call I don’t answer and then I text you back! I’m here, I just don’t want to talk to you! 😋
xx woeful writes xx