Dates

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“Brexit is so…”

“Tragic.” “Sexy.”

Sexy! Really?! The date wasn’t going well and then he made that comment. Normally, if someone says something just downright weird, I let it go because I honestly don’t need to go down that rabbit hole with them. But Brexit…sexy? I couldn’t help myself.

“How so?”

He then started on some bizarre and tenuous, at best, explanation of the twists and turns of the whole process mimicking the female form. He lost me when he said the whole thing gets him a bit excited while looking down at his crotch area.

I’m a serial dater, I have been on some doozies in my time but this guy was taking the biscuit. In fact, the whole ass biscuit tin.

What I did know at this point was that you need to formulate your exit strategy which was going to be a problem because this place was dead. Usually the presence of other bodies is great cover for whatever you plan.

Instead of trying to impress me with a fancy restaurant, I was taken to a “quirky” and “characterful” establishment which is code for a dive on the wrong side of the wrong side of the tracks. That should have been a glaring, fluorescent, flashing red flag to this date not happening. But I have a kind heart…okay, I don’t, it was because I had nothing better to do. Either way, here I am.

I’d already scoped out the toilets before his curvy politics rant but I ran the risk of becoming like that bad date meme of that girl that got stuck trying to escape out of a toilet window minus the poo bag, of course. I feel that the dating gods had it in for me as all the bathroom windows at this delightful place where nailed shut. I guess runaway dates happened a lot here.

“Are you okay?”

He must have noticed that my mind was working at a million miles per second. I’ve been in this situation before and there are only two ways out. One hundred percent honesty or a bald faced lie. I’m an expert at this kind of thing and I always, without fail, go for the lie.

People say they want the truth but they don’t want the truth.

They want their fragile egos massaged, they want to feel good and there’s nothing wrong with that. Hence becoming a master liar, because I may not want to date you long term but I also don’t want to hurt your feelings.

It was time to decide on which get out I was going to implement – my cat had just died or my overbearing boss needed me desperately to sort out something that could most definitely not wait until the morning. Both excuses had worked a treat in the past. And if it ain’t broke, don’t try to fix it.

I set a short timer on my phone so it would start to vibrate shortly.

“Sorry, my phone’s vibrating.” It was the moment of truth. Time to unleash my excuse.

His eyes suddenly looked so sad, his whole body sunk into his seat. I put my phone down on the table, slightly concerned by the rapid change in his demeanour. “Are you okay?”

“You’ve got a friend to call you because this date is going so sh*tty, haven’t you?”

I mean that would be such a rookie move. I haven’t used that one for a good five or six years. Oldie but a goodie to be fair.

“No. that’s not it, I promise.” Which was 100% the truth.

“But you want out of the date? Girls always want out of the date. They’re always looking for an excuse. I get it, I’m weird, I make strange references. Really, I’m just nervous. Girls like you don’t like me but I really do have a lot to offer. I’m actually pretty normal, not boring, at all. I’ve got a good job, a house, two cars, no kids running around. I’m a catch…on paper.” He half laughed out the last few words.

He seemed so sweet…and manipulative. He was guilting me into staying, I looked at his eyes again. I could see past the angst and could see the fakeness. It takes a liar to know a liar. I could also see no way out of this situation that worked in my favour.

I could leave with one of my customary excuses, I could tell him the truth and leave or I could stay and sympathise with his self deprecation. I was backed into a corner and although I’ve made some shady moves in my past when it came to dating, I wasn’t feeling at peace with leaving this one. He was so pathetic.

Turns out he wasn’t very self aware because he was actually boring AF, however, I stayed and listened to every single word (with a smile on my face) that he uttered about the sexiness of British politics. Maybe I could learn a thing or two.

xx woeful writes xx

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