I was trying to think of a beautiful and uplifting way of describing how I see myself. And the only response I could think of is that I don’t. I don’t see me. I’ve spent years hiding myself. I’ve spent so long diminishing who I am, that it’s been easier to be nobody.
I feel like since I started writing more seriously, starting 2 blogs, putting myself out there and knowing that life at home is about to change in a really positive way, I suppose I realise that I need to have higher expectations of myself.
Knowing this is not the same as living this. I anonymise myself, I may have blue or purple hair but it doesn’t change how I feel. I still feel that I could fade into a crowd, no matter how loudly my exterior is shouting.
Yet, deep down, perhaps not as deep as I want to admit, I know that the things I whisper to myself, the doubts, the chastising, the insults are just not true. I just don’t know why that is so hard to admit.
I have done awful things, or at least I think they were awful. I’ve treated people badly, I have definitely done this. I’ve had low self-esteem, I have low self esteem. But at my core, I am trying to be a good person, a good mother, a good wife. I get these things wrong from time to time but not to the extent that I should berate myself as much as I do or stifle my own progress and success because I don’t think I deserve it.
I suppose I see myself better than I used to but what I see is changing daily. Some good days, some bad but an overall upwards trajectory. The next thing I’m pondering is where am I trying to land?
xx woeful writes xx