Disappointment Leads To Change

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Source: Kat Smith via Pexels

The interview had gone so well. She’d lived her whole life afraid of change. Afraid to apply for jobs. And when she had found the courage in the past to apply, she panicked in the interview. But not today. Today she was fierce.

She walked into the written test that came before the interview slightly apprehensive. She wasn’t the normal bag of nerves but she was wasn’t feeling 100% confident. That wasn’t to be completely unexpected, she wasn’t a very confident person. But she had this.

She’d worked for this company for almost 10 years and even though the job she was applying for was a promotion, she’d picked up enough from simply paying attention that she knew, and knew with every part of her, that she was more than capable of filling the role. She just needed to convey that to the interview panel. Something she had struggled with before.

There were only 10 questions in the interview. She answered every single one. Some even received praise from the interviewer, “that’s a great response, we haven’t heard that take before.” As they made their notes, she smiled to herself. “You got this!”

The worst part about going for an internal vacancy was that you’re in work before and after the interview. People wishing you luck and putting pressure on you. Followed by people asking how it went and placing their hopes on you. It could all get too much but luckily they were busy that afternoon which limited the number of enquiring minds opening their enquiring mouths.

She tried to put it out of her mind. They said she wouldn’t find out until the next day, if not the day after. So she set back to work. Answering emails, taking phone calls, answering emails. It was all pretty repetitive. This was what she was trying to move away from. Expand her horizons and expand her bank account, that was her mantra for life. She had spent too long putting herself down and she was turning over a new leaf. Spurred on by the social change she saw around her, people projecting positive and uplifting personas and vibes, she wanted to be part of the change. She no longer wanted to sit on the sidelines.

Then a little notification popped up in the bottom right hand corner of her screen. Can you pop to my office when you’re free? Well that was quick. She thought about playing it cool and responding in the morning but she desperately needed to know. So much was hanging on the line.

She quickly walked from her office to her boss’s office. It was a walk she made infrequently because there was never normally any reason to. But now, all her hopes and dreams of a better future hinged on this next conversation. She had  tried not to get carried away but it wasn’t long before she was spending those potential zeros. Her life was about to change or so she hoped.

There was some small talk, some positive encouragement, it was all a lead up to the bad news she expected, although had high hopes of not happening. “…I’m sorry to say it didn’t go as expected and you didn’t get the job…” She remembered replying with something like it happens, I’m just proud of myself for giving it a go but honestly, the rest of the conversation was a blur of meaningless platitudes.

Eventually, she left after about ten times of saying it was okay, as if her boss needed comforting. She hadn’t even had the chance to bask in the glory of how well she had done before her dreams were crushed by the rejection.

I will walk with my head held high, she told herself, which was easier said than done. Her strides shortened until she broke into a run down the fortunately empty corridor, her hand covering the scream that was building.

Her eyes stung and she could barely see where she was going. Luckily she knew these halls all to well and made it into the toilets. There is a thing a child does when they have really hurt themselves, the tears well up in their eyes, their face screws up, their mouth is wide open but no sound comes out until they take a breath. The silent cry means this is a pain or an emotion they can’t handle. This was where she was right now.

The furthest stall from her was occupied and she waited, struggling to hold in this disappointment while the unknown person finished their business, did  not wash their hands and left. As she was in work she couldn’t do the full wail that had built up inside and restricted herself to a pathetic blub. She needed to get her act together before she went back into the office. If they could tell she had been crying they would ask what had happened. If she could hold it together, she might be able to make it out of there before anyone asked. That’s all she wanted, that’s all she needed. She couldn’t stand the idea of them seeing her weak. Or worse still, trying to verbalise this awful situation without breaking down. Especially since now, she needed to find the strength to not let this rejection be the end, it needed to be the start.

This feeling hurt but she couldn’t let it leave. It was going to be the motivation that she would use to conquer her fears and move from this place. It was time now, she finally saw it. She would show them all she was better than this.

xx woeful writes xx

 

 

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